Where do I even start on this book? Well, aside from the fact that I just did not like it at all, mainly because I wanted to punch pretty much EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER in this book. No one could make up their minds about people nor did the laws of vampires stay consistent when it came to things like the cold. None of the characters were all that likeable, least of all the so-called hero who seems to keep changing parts of her back story throughout the story. Not to mention the fact that just when you thought she was going to do something smart or have an epiphany about her how her actions are affecting others it FLIES out the window and into the windshield of a car going three hundred miles an hour. But aside from that I guess like all stories, well most stories anyways, I should start at the beginning and work my way through the series of events that is the plot. So before we truly begin into this incredibly boring, madness I suggest you sit down in a comfy chair, grab some headache medicine or maybe a stiff drink (but not both), surround yourself with pillows (in order to have something to slam your head into or scream into when things get truly annoying) and settle in because here we go.
Anyways we open on a prologue, which was less prologue and more first chapter because it just goes on and on and on, but I have a feeling Monroe either didn’t know what a prologue was, because they are supposed to take place well BEFORE the story starts, or she just thought throwing in a prologue was a good thing to do or something else. Either way again, its less prologueish and more first chapterish. A good idea for a prologue for this story would be to have it take place either when she first gets to town or when she first opens her bakery or even the day/night right before her first day open with her feeling hopeful for the future that awaits or even right after she was turned. It is here that we are introduced to our main character Priscilla Pratt (Pratt), a three hundred year old vampire, who runs the bakery named Fangs in Fondant (Fangs) as she goes downstairs barefoot to start baking cupcakes in the bakery’s kitchen.
It is here we run into our first problem, aside from you know the whole entering the kitchen of her establishment barefoot. The second problem we run into is that we aren’t even told what time of day it is. Is it night? Is it day? Is it the early morning? Early Evening? Because while yes, many people go with the whole vampires are nocturnal creatures who go *POOF* before they burst into an explosion of glitter and sprinkles in sunlight; not everyone does that and since most bakeries start up in the early morning we need a time frame. Or at the very least an idea on when this is taking place. We are also introduced to buildings that really don’t bear a meaning on the plot so they easily could have been taken out and nothing would have been lost. At one point the writer/Pratt says, ‘No one had gotten mysteriously ill, gone missing, or been horribly murdered in Bellmare since 1989.’ Now I am not going to lie because I honestly like this line, it would be a great opening line for a murder mystery because then you could go on to say something like, ‘well, until now that is. Confused? Let me explain.’ and start the story. But I also find the line hard to believe. Because even the smallest town has its skeletons and I have a hard time believing the town was this lucky.
Monroe goes into way too much detail on what Pratt does with the muffins and mentions two names, Mrs. Camden and Anna. The only one who is explained is Anna who is her assistant. Apparently Pratt saves cupcakes for her assistant to try, why her assistant hadn’t already tried these cupcakes before Pratt decided to serve/sell them, is a mystery all on its own. She goes on to mention another name, Miss Cunningham, for a meeting at eight and we still do not know if we are dealing with the morning or evening or who Mrs. Camden and Miss Cunningham are by this point. All she would have to do is say something like, ‘Miss Cunningham was a future bride that would be showing up at eight in the morning to discuss the wedding cakes for later that month.’ Eventually, we learn Miss Cunningham (Kierra) is a bride to be and is getting her wedding cake from Fangs.
Pratt winds up talking to the groom (Porter) about being a vampire where Monroe says, ‘In 1990, the political climate had been smooth enough that Parliament, the governing body that had ruled over vampires since the Crusades, had thought it a good idea to reveal their existence. It had caused public outrage, including violence, and some very unethical goings on in Washington, DC, but in the end vampires had won the right to citizenship under U.S. law.’
Okay so first of all when are there NOT unethical things going on in the nation’s capital or any capital for that matter? Second of all, why are they revealing it in the 90s when we still don’t exactly do great things with people that are different. I mean at first I was wondering if Monroe was going to do what various other creators have done in the past and had supernatural creatures stand in for minority groups like POCs or LGBTA+ or some other minority. But nope doesn’t seem to be a thing that is happening, at least not in book one and honestly after reading this I am glad because I don’t wanna see how badly she would handle that train wreck. Also, Monroe uses Parliament as the ruling body of vampires. Which at first confused me because I couldn’t figure out why she was using it to describe the American government before I realized what was going on. Which just led to more questions.
Why a European government name that pretty much seems to be mainly connected to England? Are there no vampires in Asia, Africa, Latin and South America and other parts of the world I probably left out? Are they also ruled by Parliament or are all ruled by their own governing bodies? Why did they wait till the 90s to come out? Why did they out everyone, a few of which probably didn’t want to be outed and basically wound up getting drop kicked outta their proverbial coffin by their own government? When they knew it would probably cause violence, especially considering the tales most countries have about vampires being irredeemable monsters? Because the race riots and Stonewall and the AIDs crisis which came with riots were still pretty much in recent memories and still are in fact.
Monroe goes on to say that Pratt hadn’t liked this idea because it pushed her into the public eye without her consent. Which is interesting since she had been living in or around that town for three hundred years. Did no one notice she never aged before now? Did she just start leaving and coming back as her own identical grand niece or something? Also her cafe is apparently popular so wasn’t she already in the public eye? Even more so since she keeps taking out the competition. But guys, she totally, totally doesn’t like the attention.
Of course it's hard to feel sorry for Pratt when later it goes on to mention, ‘When she’d made the public announcement at the annual parade, most of Bellmare’s residents had shrugged and gotten on with their lives.’ Girl please.
So was she thrust unwanted into the public eye or not? She mentions restaurants where vampires can go to feed on humans which is interesting and I would have liked to have a plot centered around that but since I hate this book so much I am not going to bother with the others. But we aren’t introduced to any in this book and I am not interested enough in the series to see if they come up in a later one. Another thing we learn is that vampires who were turned as teens are forced to attend high school for the rest of their unnatural lives and live with foster families. Why? Just why? Why can’t they go on to college? Why force teens to continue taking the SAME CLASSES OVER AND OVER AGAIN? We don’t know because they are never, ever answered at least not in this book.
Monroe then goes on to talk about how, ‘The law recognized them as sentient beings, and Parliament’s usual method for getting rid of child vampires—namely execution—was not an option.’.
This leads to another round of whys? Why are the vampires who illegally turn children only fined and monitored but the kids are put to death? I wanna know why isn’t the vampire’s government executing the ones doing the illegal turning? Do they understand repeat offenders are a thing? I mean were they really like, “I know you were turned without your consent and all but that sucks for you because we are going to kill you but not the ones responsible for your condition. Sorry old Sport but that's the way the cookie crumbles.”
Why aren’t the predators being punished with execution while their victims are set up with resources to help them? Is parliament worried the child vampire thing might paint them as monsters? So instead of doing anything serious about the ones responsible they target the victims? Why? We are again never given answers to these questions but then again they might get answered in another book. And again I can’t be bothered to read beyond this one because I just can’t be bothered to care about anyone in these books.
At some point Kierra, the bride, is brought back up. Pratt doesn’t like the bride and considers how she looked too perfect and the girl had had some work done, because THAT'S important to the plot and doesn’t make the MC look catty at all. Also there is this, ‘Her dark curls were the result of a salon, and her perfectly straight teeth were the result of a dentist’s intervention.’ WHO CARES PRATT, ALL THIS DOES FOR THE STORY IS MAKE YOU COME OFF AS A CRAPPY HUMAN BEING!
“OMG you guys! Did you see the perfect teeth on Kierra she obviously had to get help from a dentist. And don’t even get me started on her salon helped hair! PFT! Brat!”
I guess Pratt isn’t like all those other girls.
I mean this writer does know that a lot of people go to the salon and get braces or other dental help to get good looking teeth. Or is that only okay if you are middle class or something? So, I have a hard time believing Pratt has never seen someone in her town with braces or a salon perfect hair. This whole thing just makes Pratt a catty, judgmental jerk and we are supposed to support her because Kierra is such a horrible person as opposed to Pratt who “isn’t”. Anyways, Pratt hates Kierra even more, not just because of her bad personality, which anyone can understand, but because she chooses one of the hardest, not to mention most popular, designs in the book. This just brings up more questions. If you hate it why do you have it as an option? Why have it in the book? Or if you want to keep the design because it's apparently popular, why not have a note on the page that says they have to be ordered a month in advance? You aren’t owned by a corporation, you don’t have to keep it as a design. You can literally throw in disclaimers for it.
Honestly I feel like the passage was added so Kierra came off worse and the readers can go, “Poor Pratt!”. But she just comes off as an idiot. I mean she makes cakes for parties as she really never had anyone else want that damn design at the least minute until now? I find it doubtful and I just hate them both.
A little while later we are introduced to the daughter (Maddison), who by the way is also a vampire, of someone Pratt considers her “first friend” (Olivia) in town. But I have my doubts about the friend bit, since she has been living there for YEARS. Pratt encourages the girl to lie to her mother or at the very least not tell her she is coming in to help Pratt with this super hard cake design. Despite the fact that Pratt needs a miracle to get the cake together and could probably use an extra set of hands if she brought in BOTH mother and daughter. But nope. Instead she just asks the girl not to tell Olivia she is helping Pratt. Because that’s what you do to your friends. Get their kids to go behind their back over a cake.
I can’t help but wonder how often has Pratt done this?
Later Kierra comes back with a new cake order for some cousins who have gluten allergies and she wants roses on it. Pratt refuses to do the cake because vampires don’t like roses and despite having admitted earlier that Olivia was good at roses she doesn’t consider giving the woman who is supposed to be her friend the chance to earn money, until the daughter brings it up. Yeah hard to imagine why Olivia would have issues with you, Pratt. Since you tell her daughter to lie to her and hide the truth from her and refuse to hire her to help you with another last minute cake. Not to mention don’t even consider giving out her information for a cake design you don’t do. I mean does no one in this town get cakes with roses on them? I’d hate your guts too in fact, I DO.
It doesn’t help the fact that there are a number of mentions of Olivia and her family having unstable income or at least Pratt knowing about it beforehand. So again why not combine forces and send rose cake to her, especially since she knew her friend needs the money? While Pratt is on her way to deliver the cakes we are introduced to Tobias who is either a human or a vampire it's hard to tell based on how Monroe describes him, because apparently Pratt has never seen bald men in this day and age. Again are there no other bald guys in this town? This is a tourist attraction are bald tourists not allowed? Also the guy hates tourists, because of course he does, despite living in a touristy town and owning a touristy attraction shop. Apparently in the past some kid broke something and instead of calling the cops on the parents for refusing to pay for it, because you know destruction of property, or throwing a lawsuit their way he proceeded to get into a brawl with them. Because that’s how you handle things like a professional with a business to run.
Okay. Whatever.
Well the glitter hits the fan, sadly not literally, between Olivia and Pratt when they are both catering the rehearsal dinner, Olivia the dinner and Pratt the dessert, when Olivia follows Pratt to the site with the car smelling like garlic. Well, our resident moron of a vampire thinks this is a sign that Olivia is stalking her. Because of course she does, she hates the limelight but EVERYTHING is about her. And when this is proven wrong because to the surprise of no one but our MC the world does not in fact revolve around her. And somehow, in some way Pratt STILL doesn’t understand why Olivia is mad at her.
I hate Pratt. I really, really hate her.
‘The pieces fell into place then. Olivia hadn’t been stalking her out of town or trying to arrange a come-to-Jesus talk. The steamed windows and the faint smell of garlic coming from Olivia’s back seat now made sense; Priscilla would have bet a dollar that there was an Italian dinner spread waiting in the backseat of the car.’
YOU TOLD HER DAUGHTER NOT TO TELL HER MOTHER ANYTHING! WHY ARE YOU SO SURPRISED THIS WOULD HAPPEN? ALSO YOU AREN’T THE ONLY CATERER IN TOWN YOU TWAT!
I also want to know why Pratt can smell the garlic but not the marinara sauce? Is she just that desperate to convince herself that Olivia is out to get her? Or is her sense of smell just not that great.
The fact that Pratt keeps acting like Olivia is blowing things out of proportion in regards to her own daughter, even if said daughter is older than her surrogate mother, and she is not to blame for anything just makes me hate her worse. It's at this point we finally, finally get a dead body because Pratt smells it. And when she points the smell of blood out to Olivia the other woman of course knows what that means but Pratt acts like she’s smart for knowing it.
‘After raising Maddison, she knew more than most what that statement meant.’
Everyone knows what that statement means. I mean it's generally not a good thing when you can smell blood. Also as an aside can Olivia really be considered to raise Maddison if the vampire is again older than her mother? This whole teenage/child vampire thing doesn’t make any sense at all.
I feel like Monroe is trying to make Olivia seem smart in the most lazy way possible, instead of showing it, despite trying to portray her as unreasonable. The writer also has Pratt acknowledge her supposed friend as being smart in order to make Pratt look good, instead of having Pratt treat Olivia with respect and empathy. Which just makes Pratt come off as condescending. “Oh wow you know what the smell of blood means?” *le gasp!*
The dead body is Kierra because everyone saw it coming, so no one is shocked or upset.
So after this the reader is introduced to Anna’s father, Arthur, (Art) who is going to be investigating the murder and repeatedly, and I do mean repeatedly, goes back and forth on whether or not he wants Pratt’s help. To the point I have to wonder if his thought process comes equipped with a turnstile.
“I need your help.”
“Stay out of this I don’t need your help”
“I need your help!”
MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
Neither one of them come out looking good in this scene because Art asks her to address him by his title but I guess she needs to prove who is top Alpha because she doesn’t and he admits to her fact he was hoping it would be her. Which seems like a dumbass thing to admit to someone, since I am pretty sure that could open you up to at the very least a lawsuit, if not investigation.
“Because you’re the best baker in town. I know you’ve got your eye on everyone in town who’s got a smidge of talent and are looking to recruit them or put them out of business. You could at least give me an idea of who I’m working for.”
Okay, so first of all being the best baker in town does nothing for helping in an ongoing investigation. Now if Pratt had been an investigator at some point in her life than I could see why she would be tapped but not, because she is a baker. And again how is Pratt surprised Olivia hates her when she is trying to drive her friend out of business so she doesn’t have to share the limelight with her. Despite all her claims of not “liking it”.
We finally learn that Pratt is only open for a certain amount of time at night. So how could she be putting people out of business? Other cafes can be open in the morning for people on the way to work if they work that shift or throughout the day for that matter. This is something I can’t stand in cozy mysteries like this. The hero/heroine is ALWAYS the best in town and everyone else who runs a similar business is either jealous, terrible at what they do or both. Just for once I would like to see a series where there are two shops in town that cater to pretty much the same clientele but they share them because they each can do things the other can’t. You can easily have two businesses that are similar to each other in the same town have them have a friendly rivalry. It just seems like since she is only open at night there would be plenty of room for someone to be open during the day and be just as good. But nope! Gotta make Pratt the best at everything.
Later in the conversation Pratt is once again surprised that a parent is protective over their child. I mean you’ve been around for how long woman and you are still shocked by this? This can not possibly be the first time you have seen protective parents. Anyways moving on into this dull ride of a book.
'When she was free, she rubbed her wrist. Steel didn’t burn vampires. They weren’t relatives of the fae, as some scholars suspected. But it wasn’t exactly comfortable either.'
Two things here, first a lot of humans don’t find cuffs comfortable and two isn’t it iron that is supposed to burn fae? I have never heard of steel being an issue for them. But maybe it is in some cultures.
Anyways, she finally leaves the conversation trying to pretend like she is a badass and I am rolling my eyes because there is nothing awesome about what she did in the conversation with Art. No one came out looking good. They both came out looking like idiots. But anyways moving on, based on their fighting I would not be surprised if they got together in a later book because this whole thing seems like something you would see in Moonlighting save for with vampires and far less interesting from what I remember of the series.
Later she is going through a list of names and scratches off Olivia’s name. You know her supposed friend and the mother of the only other vampire in town? Which makes me wonder if she did this so she could get “custody” of Olivia. She also seems surprised that a reporter would write a sensational news story about a murder, especially a murder that happened in a tourist town that is supposed to be haunted and in a building that is haunted as well. Especially since the town had seen plenty of other deaths/murders in the past; so I find it hard to believe there had never been a sensationalized news paper article about murder before now. She then goes on to say how it was a media field for her after it was discovered she was a vampire and was last seen getting told off by the deceased. Yeah buttercup that tends to be what happens when you are the last one seen having an argument in public with the victim.
Girl you are over 300 years old stop acting surprised by this crap.
Also, I thought people already knew you were a vampire? Make up your mind. You are either out or not out.
Oh yeah, the list of victims she had made? Most of the people had never seen or spoken to the victim but they are on the list. Which makes me wonder if she is really the one Art wants to use to help him solve the crime since she is suspecting people who had interacted with the victim a number of negative five times.
With a sigh, she scrawled Olivia’s name beneath the portion she’d struck through . Five names looked better than four.
So basically she added Olivia’s name to the list for no other reason then because she thought the number would look good. Again, why is she so surprised this woman does not like her! Oh yeah also, Anna and Madison (two people with her when the murder probably took place) are also on the damn list. Why? Why are they on the list if they couldn’t have done it? To inflate the numbers? Why does Art think she is going to be a big help? She keeps going back to Olivia and admits she feels guilty, which no one buys, because honestly she is a horrible friend to the poor woman and seems to have the intelligence of a stump.
'Priscilla was the only real competition to Olivia’s business in the area. If she were implicated in something nasty like, say, a murder, it might make people think twice about buying from her.'
Again this is why people don’t like you. Despite later saying Olivia wasn’t spiteful she sure as hell seems to be trying to convince herself that her “friend” has it out for her. Despite there being no evidence of this aside from her own paranoia. The arthur keeps trying to convince the reader they are good friends but NOTHING about how Pratt and Olivia interact or how Pratt treats her says they are friends.
But later Pratt thinks this, 'And if she’d had a hand in Kierra’s death, why would she have shown up to the Robshaw Inn with a spread of food she’d never serve? If she was the murderer, she could have come back during the daytime, long before Priscilla arrived, and stolen Kierra’s body. To Priscilla and everyone else in Bellmare, it would have seemed as if Miss Kierra Cunningham had simply gotten cold feet the day before her wedding — the perfect excuse.'
So does she think Olivia killed Kierra to implicate Pratt or not? Again a horrible person that for some reason Monroe keeps trying to paint as likeable. If you do it correctly you can still have a likeable jerk, see MCU’s Tony Stark, but you don’t get that with Pratt because NO ONE WANTS TO ROOT FOR HER.
We are introduced to Olivia’s husband Timothy whom Pratt has this to say about him.
'Timothy said, his broad face breaking into a smile that shaved years off his appearance so she could almost ignore the gray threading through his brown hair. '
I’m sure he’s thankful you can ignore the signs of his human aging, especially his gray hairs. Fuck off, with this agist bullshit woman. Pratt goes on to think that Olivia’s entire family hates her, not what we have seen so far but go off I guess, because she is driving the woman out of business. And that Madison probably got scolded/guilted for helping her out as if Olivia is deliberately keeping them apart. And it’s just like whatever lady get over yourself. As if the fact that Madison lying to her mother or not telling her where she was going wasn’t a good enough reason for her to get scolded.
Later on Pratt learns that Olivia is teaching classes to help bring money in and this happens, 'She [Pratt] felt absolutely wretched. She hadn’t realized the Baker’s financial situation had become so precarious.'
Really, EVERYONE else could see they were having money issues for a while. How could you not see that coming? It's even been not so subtly implied. Despite how much she talks about Olivia being her friend it’s really hard to buy with how Pratt thinks about her and stuff. Olivia has no reason to be her friend aside from the fact that Pratt and Madison are both vampires. And Madison for some reason likes her.
When Pratt stops by the class where Olivia is teaching it starts out like this, 'Olivia’s glare could have melted glass. Not for the first time, Priscilla wondered how it had gotten to this point. How had they come to dislike each other so much in such a short amount of time?'
Um you seem to keep ignoring the fact that you told her daughter to lie to her along with not telling her where she is going, are driving her out of business despite knowing they need the money, and once again you ARE A HORRIBLE FRIEND. Anyways after the class the two “friends” talk and Olivia mentions that she thinks most of her clients are repeats and she assumes that they feel sorry for her money situation. Which again makes me wonder, HOW DID PRATT NOT KNOW! Is she just that self absorbed? Or is she oblivious as all hell? Neither one is a good look; especially the latter if you are trying to paint her as a good aide for Art.
Also despite Pratt being around 355 years old she apparently is the tallest person in the room most of the time. Which makes me wonder how tall she is, not to mention how short everyone else is in this town. Do vampires keep growing? Or was she abnormally tall for someone in her time period? So the two women go out for drinks, at a place called the Robshaw Inn, despite the fact that Pratt keeps talking about how Vampires have messed up taste buds which makes me wonder how she was able to do any baking before hiring Anna to “taste” for her. Pratt acts like she is surprised by how clean it is, which yeah Pratt it would be because Health codes are a thing. But then again you walk into your bakery’s kitchen with NO SHOES ON.
They are both drinking wine and Pratt comments that she wants Olivia to slow down because she doesn’t want to drive her home, despite being the one to suggest bringing her van to do just that. She then gets upset when Olivia gets mad at her for implying she had a drinking problem. Again why is she surprised that their friendship is down the toilet? “I know I have been a horrible friend to you and all by suspecting you of murder with no proof, not sending jobs I don’t want to do your way, telling your daughter to lie to you, and implying you have a drinking problem but why are you so mean to me?” She takes a sip of wine and complains about it tasting like vinegar. So why order it and waste money if you already know it tastes like crap? Because you are constantly commenting on how nothing tastes good to vampires once they turn.
Anyways, the chapter goes on and tries to paint Olivia as being unreasonable but Pratt just comes out as a horrible person and tries to make us believe she is sad she lost a friendship she destroyed. Despite there not being any reason to believe she is sad about losing it or even trying to do anything to reconnect. At times it sounds so much like Pratt is aware of being the reason the friendship is in the pits but just as quickly as that comes into her mind she just goes seems to be like, “I mean I know I told her daughter to lie to her, practically drove her out of business, refused to ask for her help, refused to notice she was having money issues despite the signs, and handed her name in as a suspect but why is our friendship in crapper???”
So now, Pratt is back at the bakery with Anna’s help and is talking on the phone, it’s a rotary by the way, so the timer goes off and she laments not being able to work while on the phone. You can get a longer wire to connect the phone with the base, it's not that hard. Or I am sure there is a way you can set the phone up so that it can rest on your shoulder when you need hands. So Anna has to remove the cookies from the oven and she gives a long suffering sigh while she does it. Why? You work at a bakery. I would think removing shit from the oven would be part of your job. Once again Arthur can’t decide if Pratt is helping him or not and I just want it to stop. Oh yeah and the chocolate chip cookies Anna removed from the oven are now somehow cupcakes and she is putting the chocolate chip cookies into the oven. Sure why not. Who edited this? Did anyone?
Oh yeah and this, Priscilla hadn’t understood the cryptic reply that it was “ too dangerous.”
Gosh I don’t know what could too dangerous possibly mean? Something that pops into her mind at one point is that Kierra was the victim of a kidnapping gone wrong. Before deciding that's not possible because she was poisoned.
'Perhaps it had been an attempted kidnapping gone wrong? No, she wouldn’t have been poisoned. Shot, stabbed, or thrown over the balcony, but not poisoned.'
What kinda of kidnappings have you seen in the past woman? She wouldn’t have been any of those things either if she was being kidnapped unless it was in an escape attempt. Now THAT would be an interesting story or movie, a horror film fan uses his/her knowledge from horror films to survive/escape a kidnapping.
This book is just getting worse and worse the more I go through it. Between Art not making up his mind on whether or not Pratt should be helping him and Pratt not making up her own mind about whether or not she is affected by the cold as a vampire. And so far the only character in here I feel sorry for is Olivia purely because of the amount of absolute CRAP Pratt puts her through not to mention the fact that everyone else makes me want to strangle them.
Anyways, Pratt is using warm cookies to bribe people, instead of using cookies that are already cooled. Because warm cookies stick together.
Finally! Finally! Anna tells Pratt to share the limelight.
“I say this because I love you, Priscilla. You need to kiss and make up. Olivia does have a point, you know. It wouldn’t kill you to share the limelight.”
'Priscilla bristled, lips pulling back from her teeth in a half snarl that exposed her fangs. It was a defensive gesture as old as time. Back away, it said, I’m dangerous. “I don’t like the attention, Anna.” '
*Rolls eyes* Sure kid. Sure.
'How could Anna think that she was doing any of this intentionally? She’d grown her business, invested time and money into it, and deserved every contract that came her way. She’d worked hard for everything she had.'
Pratt argues that she worked hard for what she had and she deserved whatever came her way, which isn’t what Anna is talking about. Anna isn’t saying Pratt doesn’t DESERVE them she is saying Pratt can SHARE. I feel like Monroe is trying to portray Pratt as someone who isn’t aware of what she does, but the woman is 355 years old. I have a hard time believing she wouldn’t realize what she is doing for her to have survived so long. Also if she didn’t like the limelight she wouldn’t have announced she was a vampire at a town parade or run all her competition out of business.
So anyways, Pratt and another cop go to investigate/question another suspect at the bed and breakfast where the victim and her wedding party are staying. She notes that, 'The dining room was quaint, if not historically accurate.' I am not sure you need historical accuracy in the kitchen of a bed and breakfast unless the historical society says they do so why is Pratt surprised it would be modern?
This is then followed by the fact that Priscilla, 'noted there were five plates still on it , and gathered that the family had been eating separately from their guests. Odd.'
Why is this odd? I would find this a normal thing at a bed and breakfast. Anyways, while all this is going on there is a fight which leads to Porter, the victim’s beloved runs out and escapes in his car. Art comes in bleeding, because of course he does. What's a little vampire murder mystery without blood after all. Anyways, Pratt and Cop boy talk after Art leaves to go get stitched up. While searching Kierra’s room they find a note and Pratt and him have to race to find Porter.
When they find the car Cop Boy refuses to let Pratt search the scene with him because she is unarmed. Okay, first why did you bring her with you in that case. Second, do you remember she is a vampire? I mean they aren’t exactly defenseless. So he hands her a pocket knife. She eventually finds him, having hung himself on a gallows. That is unguarded and fully functioning. Okay so I don’t live in a historical town, with a historical site like this. But, I am curious if the town officials or whoever would be in charge of such things would actually leave a gallow fully functioning or something to prevent incidents like this. Because this just seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen.
So they let him down and Pratt states he needs a hospital since there could be a neck injury. Yeah, no kidding. Now I see why Art wanted you in on this case; your ability to state the obvious is unparalleled. I think Cop Boy could have figured that out for himself. Anyways, ambulance and cops come and excitement happens, before Pratt goes with them to the ER to talk to Art about the events. While there Art puts a guard on Porter’s door and we learn that Porter will be able to speak after a day or two. Pratt offers to guard the door and Art eventually agrees.
Again no one seems to want to be making up their minds on if they want Pratt to help them out or not and it’s annoying. While she is with Porter he communicates with her in Morse code. How do any of them know Morse code? Who cares I guess its not important. Lets move further along with the book wreck. The Morse code thing begins a question and answer situation where Pratt asks two questions at once instead of asking them one at a time, which understandably gets Porter annoyed at her. We learn that Porter had hired someone to scare Kierra as a gift on their honeymoon. Which Pratt doesn’t like, but honestly it seems like something the victim would have enjoyed considering how much of a horror junkie she was. She probably would have LOVED it.
Anyways morning comes and Pratt is suffering from the sun rays streaming through the car’s windows as she tells Arthur about the conversation she had with Porter the night before. The fact that she knows the sunlight has this much of a negative affect on her makes me wonder WHY she would risk being in the sunlight by volunteering to guard him in the first place or at the very least not bothering to mention she will get ill by saying something like, ‘Hey by the way I have to be home before sun up so I don’t get violently ill.’. When they arrive at Fangs they find a lot of people going in and out of the shop, despite the fact that it is supposed to be closed. Olivia berates Art for not bringing Pratt home sooner because she is now sun sick, which he admits he didn’t know about. Again why I am wondering why Pratt didn’t mention this, especially since it's the worst case Olivia as ever seen. While Pratt wonders why people were here Olivia says they are waiting for the story and she has been feeding them a breakfast soup. As Olivia brings Pratt upstairs the vampire is stunned that Olivia would do this for her after how much of a horrible friend she was.
Yeah we all are wondering why Olivia would go this far out of her way to be nice to you after the crap you kept pulling on her Pratt.
Night comes and Pratt wakes up to find Olivia making soup in her kitchen and this time is upset. Which I mean, I get because I don’t like to have someone in the kitchen either when there are things I need to do in it. But then Pratt agrees that since the soup from earlier had gone over so well it might be worth working out a system but doesn’t think the ingredients would go together well. It's called cleaning your pots and pans Pratt it’ll be fine. But considering all the health violations she seems to be doing she probably doesn’t really do that either. She considers being done with the whole thing but the good of the community is at stake, funny how the good of her friend wasn’t an issue for her. But whatevs.
Anyways she calls Art and learns that they have to go save Mr. I hate tourists from the deceased friends. She can’t believe someone would tell them about his involvement with the poison that killed their friend. I can’t believe any of this insanity. Nor why Pratt has to go with Art to deal with this sort of thing. Pratt thinks their logic of him selling the poison makes him just as guilty is a product of fear. She blames this fear on why she suspected Olivia at first.
No! You blamed Olivia because you wanted to make the numbers on your list look good! If you feared anything it was because you were afraid you would look bad in front of Art over the number of suspects you had. But sure whatever you have to tell yourself to justify your actions, which seems to be a thing you do.
Let’s be real here this isn’t them being afraid this is them being pissed off that someone had murdered their friend and wanting someone to pay for it. Anyways she enters through the chimney and she gets him to come to the station with her and Art. Once there they start talking about whether or not he sold the castor beans to Porter. It wasn’t, instead it was Noah Brown (Brown). Anyways, Pratt returns home covered in soot and tracks it around the place. And I am wondering why she doesn’t have a way to get to her apartment that doesn’t require her to go through the bakery's kitchen. Because again the health department.
After a shower she changes and heads downstairs, barefoot once again I am assuming since no shoes were mentioned, and her hair wrapped in a towel. Again health codes woman, health codes. Anyways, Pratt is once again impressed by Anna’s work ethic because she is doing her job. Which says very little about Anna’s work ethic before or not much about Pratt’s observational skills. Not sure which since previously Anna’s acted like it's a bother but despite Author acting like Pratt is observant she just doesn’t seem to come across that in writing. Moving on, Pratt decides she is going to make bread to go with the soup but depending on the recipe she is going to use probably won’t be ready before the store closes since you have to let some of them rise at least once.
Jack shows up and Pratt comments on how he is asking people to look at him in his police uniform.
‘Tall, broad, and still in uniform, he might as well have been wearing a sign that said “look at me” in flashing gold letters.’
Woman he’s a cop and depending on whether or not he’s still on the clock and just got off he’s gonna be in uniform. He’s here to bring Pratt with him to put the screws on Brown, despite the fact that dawn is apparently a couple hours away and she IS NOT A COP! Apparently like a lot of mystery series the cops are incompetent at solving crimes without the plucky hero/heroine there to hold their hand. Anyways despite saying she won’t go with him to question Pratt she goes anyways. Despite the fact that everyone knows the sun is about to come up and she can get sun sickness no one is thinking about that. And I am just wondering why do they not have partners here? Is that not a thing anymore? Apparently everyone is too busy to be of assistance, which means they wanted an excuse to include Pratt in the quick Q&A. Apparently there is a house where every hundred years in the sixties people are murdered and I am left wondering why the hell the house is still standing.
“Hey we’ve got this big house in town where every hundred years, like clockwork the walls get painted in blood. What should we do about it?”
“Nothing. We’ll just board it up when the sixties start and open it up again. It’ll be fine.”
“Sounds good!”
Seriously why is that whenever there is a portal to hell in a house everyone is just like, “Welp what can you do?” and goes on about their day. BURN THE THING TO THE GROUND! Bulldoze it! Do something! Don’t just let it continue to build up a body count. But moving on, Jack complains about the media wanting answers and publishing stuff about the murder. Which yeah, I mean that’s pretty much their job. To report stuff and a gruesome murder in a haunted town where no one’s been murdered since the 1960s is bound to make headlines. So they get to the B&B and we learn it’s five in the morning.
Whhhhyyyyyyyyy? How does that make sense? Let’s bring a vampire out so close to sunrise, even though we already know this is a bad idea. It’ll be fine! Anyways, she starts talking to Brown and he complains that his paying guests would watch scary films that would give his kids nightmares because they refused to watch tamer ones. Dude they are your guests they don’t HAVE to watch tame scary films. Why isn’t there a tv room or something upstairs where you and your family live? This can’t be the first time you guys have had horror junkies. I feel like this scene was put in to show how mean and cruel the bridal party is because they wouldn’t cater to the man and his kids. But I find it hard to feel sorry for the guy since this can’t be the first time he has run into this situation especially where he lives. Pratt is offered that they would intentionally scare kids, I don’t know how she got that idea. I mean the party wasn’t tying them down or anything. I also want to know why Brown didn’t have something in his contract about movies and stuff. Did he not think he would have this issue at any point at all?
Brown goes to check on his screaming daughter and Jack calls Pratt out back because he needs her to see something, did she become his superior at some point? But also why do they keep ignoring her sun sickness. I actually wish she would just projectile vomit dried, old blood all over them. Pratt joins him and they are caught by Brown, who brought his toddler out to confront them, because they aren’t being sneaky nor do they have a warrant. Pratt proceeds to let Brown have it, including attacking him while his toddler daughter is nearby. Guess that horror of letting kids see violence she experienced with the guests doesn’t apply if it's her inflicting it. All because they start questioning him without bothering to clarify WHAT they are asking him about. So of course he unknowingly admits to something he didn’t do and things escalate because NO ONE can bother to communicate clearly.
Remind me again why they brought her with them, oh yeah she’s the “hero”.
They keep questioning Brown, but no one is commenting on him being attacked with his daughter right there or apologizing. He offers a room on the house for Pratt because they are worried about the sun’s effects, maybe don’t bring her out so close to SUN UP, probably because he is worried he will be attacked if he doesn’t. Later she is at their dinner table, because I guess Brown got over her outburst but whatever. And no one else seems bothered by the fact that she did all this infront of the child.
“They’re kids, Priscilla. They don’t mean anything by it. You have to have dealt with this sometime in the last 300 years.”
“I was an only child, and I wasn’t married to a human man. I never had children before I was turned.”
Rebecca’s expression contorted into a mask of sympathy. “Oh, you poor dear. It’s a rite of passage every woman should get to experience sometime in her life.”
A rite of passage to what? What happens to the women who can’t have this rite of passage? Do they miss an important part of becoming a woman? What about the women who DON’T want kids? Are they not completely women? We need to stop acting like pregnancy is a rite of passage or something that should be experienced by everyone. Because keeping up this line of thinking is not healthy for anyone. It shames the women who don’t want or can’t have kids. The last thing you need as a woman who is having trouble conceiving is being told ‘you are missing out on an important rite of passage.’
Whatever, let's ignore that outdated crap because that's a rant for a whole new day. And we have yet another question that needs to be answered because, I seriously doubt Pratt has never interacted with children before now. Were there no children in the village she grew up in? Also, why is she drinking wine again? She admits all food/drink tastes like crap now that she’s turned. Anyways, her phone rings and Pratt is surprised that Anna, her assistant, has her phone number only to realize Anna was calling from her dad’s. Did Pratt not check the caller id was his name not in there?
But this is getting too much for me to handle and I am getting tired so let's wrap this all up so I can move onto something that hopefully won’t make me hate everything. Anyways, Anna and Pratt go jogging to see who has sheds and greenhouses vs the names Olivia gave of her students, they get 4/30. Art sends his daughter home and Pratt to interview Mrs. Stout.
“That’s enough!” Arthur shouted, cutting across them both.
Anna looked mutinous, and Priscilla was ready to back her.
“You’re both civilians and you’ve both tampered in this investigation quite enough. If the press gets wind of the fact that I’ve relied on my daughter and the local baker to solve this crime for me, I’ll be laughed right out of town.”
Then stop bringing Pratt into the investigation. Anyways, Pratt goes to question the woman at 9:30 at night. I mean I would have shut the door on the woman since she’s not a cop and I don’t have to answer her questions. But whatever just end already.
During the conversation we learn that Pratt married a Catholic. So I guess the vampire that turned her was Catholic. She is offered blood from an animal which Pratt accepts because it will take the edge off, and I want to know why the woman keeps going so long between feedings. You would think she would know better by now. So, she accepts the blood because beggars can’t be choosers. Later Pratt throws the blood back up, into a sink when Stout goes to the bathroom. Pratt learns she was fed Kierra’s poisoned blood mixed with that of an animal. She is then attacked by the old woman with an axe. Turns out Mrs. Stout, a woman mentioned once and that no one even interacted with when she showed up the first time, takes her preservation of historical houses a bit too far because she was mad that Kierra was allowed to rent it for her wedding, as if it were a “cheap no tell motel”.
Oh honey it was probably that a long time ago. Pratt and Stout fight which is somehow both sad and hilarious.
Jack and Art show up, because of course. Stout is surprised she is caught by the cops which seems to be a thing. “How did you catch me in a murder!” Art feeds her, because she hasn’t fed properly since Kierra was found and ya know she’s been poisoned. So, feeding of love or something. Pratt wakes up in the hospital, sure why not where they are working to get the poison out despite the fact that she can heal on her own.
Man just end already.
The Epilogue takes place at Kierra’s wake where everyone is dressed up as characters from horror which makes sense and she would have loved it. Porter is there as the hanged man, just after he tried to commit suicide by hanging. Oh boy not touching that one. He is apparently on suicide watch, not sure they are doing a great job of that with the noose, but fine budget cuts. Anyways, Pratt goes on talking about the wake which sounds like they are celebrating Kierra’s life and I am all for it. And much like the prologue the damn thing goes on FAR, FAR too long, because it is setting up the recording for next year with him acting like probably every guy that won’t leave a girl alone in the bar or anywhere for that matter.
'He frowned and turned her in an elegant spin. “I plan to be persistent, Miss Pratt. This isn’t over. I’ll sway you yet.”
Priscilla bared her fangs in a smile. “That’s fine, Mr. Reed. After all, I have nothing but time.”'
And with that, it’s over. Finally! I can review something less painful now. Hopefully.
0/5 would not recommend. Read at your own risk.
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